I often get asked this question, “What are you doing these days? What are you doing in life?”
Quite often, without any hesitation, I shoot back saying, “NOTHING. NOTHING REALLY!”
I smile and I get back awkward smiles in return.
At 22, most of my colleagues and friends (at least for now) seem quite sorted as compared to college. Some have completed their Master’s. Some are happily slogging at work, getting handsome pay packages in their account each month, dealing with some big names in their respective businesses. Hell yes! I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM.
In contrast, people always wonder what is it that I do?
Do I have a job? NO.
Not a business card to put forth either.
Am I one of those crazy writers who sits back TRYING TO WRITE MARVELS? MAYBE.
Do I have a start up? I DON’T KNOW. I do have work.
DO I live on my parents’ funds? NAAH. At least not since July 2014.
Have I lost my ambition and made a mess of my career?
I SHALL LET YOU KEEP GUESSING AND JUDGING!
The NOTHINGNESS of the things I do or project has gotten so big for people that old friends rarely call. Those from the business are polite enough to reply to my messages, but usually busy to catch up! Some have already written me off. Some think I’ve made a mess of my career. I’ve been overconfident. Some are still laughing over my failures and setting me as an example.
So what is Cinemawaali? Just some one who loves watching movies? Why Awara Diaries? To encash on free travel because one trip can’t make a difference? What is Parampara? We don’t know. Nothing yet!
I’ve never been a career-oriented person. I’ve just been a person who wanted to make the best of things that I dreamt of doing. FILMS have been the ultimate dream.
Back in 2014, before I had my first job after my graduation I had a chance to be a part of the filmmaking process. Unfortunately, I couldn’t convince and fight to make that happen then. Before I could take on a Master’s course, I decided to work for a year hoping that the financial crisis would end. I was always into multi tasking. I had a draining job. But I’d still get that 5% energy to 100% to work on thing I loved. That was my hobby, my passion.
But a legal conflict in early 2015 changed things completely for me. I got nervous due to the potential damages. I was under confident while meeting new people and exploring newer businesses. I was unable to gauge how much was okay? By September 2015 I realized this legal conflict wasn’t getting anywhere.
I had my part time jobs and a few freelance projects to pay my bills. I still had my ounce of self-doubts.
I’d usually be the person who’d let the world know about her work and projects. It had been 10 months. Nobody really knew what I did.
It was precisely in this phase that I learnt so much about human nature. People who stand by, people who write you off, people who stop giving an F A and people who conveniently disappear.
I could even count myself in that last category. After all, I had lost my pride, I had nothing to talk of when people discussed work. All I could do was put my projects in a few weak words to stay relevant.
Eventually, I began declaring that I am doing NOTHING.
Not that I wasn’t doing anything? No, I hadn’t lost my spark. I was too tired of explaining to people who wouldn’t understand or didn’t care to. I had my doubts of being in depression. I kicked those away as well, that wasn’t something I could afford. No, I couldn’t stop because I didn’t feel important any more. Was I making a difference? May be not.
Many advised that I take up a job. Some came up with offers too. I didn’t give in.
I was too afraid of getting restricted by contracts or any of my past shadowing me.
Oh yes, I was acting like a loser!
Next up, with whatever money I had saved I fought my parents, eventually to convince them and have their support. I took my first ever solo trip.
Did that change anything? As Buzzfeedish as that sounds, a lot.
IT CHANGED THE WAY I LOOKED AT THE WORLD, THE WAY I LOOK AT MYSELF AND THE WAY I LOOKED AT SITUATIONS.
I DECIDED TO BE HAPPY IRRESPECTIVELY!
I came back. I wanted to travel more. And I wanted to do things that made me happy. I know I could earn a living out of those things, irrespective of what the world thought.
I became comfortable saying I don’t do anything. I became comfortable with being irrelevant in conversation or in being ignored by people. Not too long ago, my name was striked off the list by more than a couple of brands in the country, BECAUSE I AM CINEMAWAALI. I don’t know if it is the identity that perturbs but I guess I’ve taken that in my stride!
Never has there been a day when I am not working on something. I work. I write. I take up freelance projects. I am converting some of those projects in the face of a company. But beyond all, for all this while I HAVE BEEN A WORK IN PROGRESS WHO HASN’T LOST HER DREAMS OR AMBITIONS.
I AM WORKING ON MULTIPLE PROJECTS THAT I WOULD’VE WANTED TO IN LIFE. Too early to talk of them, I will when they either succeed or fail. That then will be a complete story.
As of now, I work on my dreams. Saving up to travel. Saving up for future. Yet, some days I lack motivation; some days there are no resources. Some days, I just handle too many rejections. I cry, I get irate. I get angry. Too many judgmental looks to deal with, all at once. But I AM OKAY WITH IT. I AM HAPPY TO BE WHERE I AM!
I DO NOTHING.
THAT’S HOW I EXPLAIN BEING A WORK IN PROGRESS.
YOU CAN PICK THE STATEMENT YOU FIND MORE CONVENIENT.
Thank you Richa Sharma for telling me one day, that I was being too harsh on myself. I didn’t need to! :*
But thank you for reading through!
THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU IN MY LIFE! 🙂
PS. IT’S OKAY TO DO NOTHING; ONE DAY YOU WILL DO SOMETHING!